Well this is odd. I am finally very close to getting what I've wanted since I moved here to Ontario.....home! While this is an awesome (not to mention daunting) thought for me, I find myself thinking of things that I'll miss. Who would ever have thought so?! Certainly not me. I don't mean people. That's always a given. People are always missed.While this province has certainly not yielded a plethora of friends for me, the ones I do have are awesome and I will miss them all terribly. No, this is...stuff. Things. Places even. I'm thinking about the fact that I'll never again live somewhere where my back yard is a park. We have parks a home. So what? Yet there it is. An odd but interesting and sobering thought. I will never again live 5 minutes from the mall. Or look out my window and see College Ave. SO WHAT? What's so special about College Ave.? There are plenty of busy streets at home that I will, in all likelihood traverse often. So why is College Ave. suddenly special? I guess simply because I'll never see it again. The area in which I live has been part of my life for 9 years now and the thought of leaving it, leaves me somewhat nostalgic and a little overwhelmed. But I've always hated it here. So why would I miss it? Change is a strange thing. Especially for me. I don't like it. I never have. It almost seems that in going home I should be righting a wrong that I made all those years ago. But somehow that's not totally the case. I'm going to miss not knowing that if I run into computer problems, my geek buddy and best friend is just a phone call away. Now that one actually makes sense, even to me. That has far more to do with the person than the place. So what is it about the place that suddenly I think I might miss? The lack of water? Um, no. The fast pace? No again. The rather dull autumn colours? Nope. We have much nicer autumns in Nova Scotia. So what is this new and truly weird feeling? I'm really not sure, but it's there just the same.
There are most definitely things that I know I'll miss for good reason. The weather. I love the weather here. Winters can be brutally cold but at least the sun shines! That's great! I love heat (a good thing on a day where it's 33 degrees) and I will miss the early summers. Other than the people, I think I've just run out of things that I can actually put my finger on and say "yes, I'll miss that". But still there remains a feeling of regret for this place that I am now leaving and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. I truly don't like it here. Really I don't. And I truly do miss home. Dreadfully. But knowing that I'm leaving has still left me feeling a little bereft.
So, for those of you who have been good friends, there you have it. I'm finally stumped! And admitting it even! It goes without saying that I will miss some of you so very much. I can't imagine not having you just a phone call away. But I will have others. People however, are irreplaceable and as a result, saying "good bye" to many of you will be incredibly difficult. I'm not looking forward to it at all. Not even a little.
This particular entry is neither well written nor well thought out for that matter. I simply decided to try to put into words at least a little of what I'm feeling right now. Possibly in the hopes that some of you reading this can clue me in? I don't know. But for weal or woe, I have decided to post this little ramble. Who knows, maybe I'll find the brain cells at some point to better express what it is I'm feeling. But before I can do that, I need to feel a little more "settled" in what I am or am not doing. Perhaps therein lies the crux of the problem. Nothing is quite settled yet. Who knows? But whatever this is, it is indeed strange for me. And not at all comfortable.
The thought of going home on the other hand? Well now there's a different story!
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Such an adventure, Rachel... your thoughts caused me to wonder if "home" isn't largely something we carry in our hearts... in so many ways neither here nor there (as in geography) but whatever place we treasure... you have some things in Guelph which you treasure and to that degree I suppose there is some "home" to be had in that but I wonder if there isn't an element beyond "going" home that would be more meaningfully considered "being" home (as opposed to "going" home)... it would seem to me that Nova Scotia holds a very great promise of "being" for you... that would seem a good thing to treasure wherever you are. Being at home in your heart... a very good thing.
ReplyDeleteblessings,
gj
I have just managed to find a computer and 710 unopened emails after two weeks in the U.K. only to discover that Rachel is leaving! Well she can't go, I won't let her, especially as I have just bought her Peter Rabbit and Benjamin Bunny key rings in Beatrix Potter country this very day.
ReplyDeleteHarrumph!
However, if you HAVE to go then go with chewy crunchy blessings with little bits of nuts in Jesus . . . along with a carrot or two . . . for the bunnies.
Dawn
Good comments, David.
ReplyDeletePersonal "need" definitely impacts the way we see life but I'm not sure it always grants us a clearer vision. Each of us has probably experienced many times when friends have "been there for us" and we didn't even notice the gift given or the sacrifice made (because it was so well done, so seamless). Yet when the giving fails to materialize in the way we expect, that is what we notice. Curious, that we often miss presence but notice absence... how paradoxical. In the example you've given here, Rachel, your ex-husband and the brothers were present... knowing what I do about men, I'd say you'd have to measure that as a gift... presence. Very few people in our culture have much literacy in dealing with trauma, tragedy or loss. Most of us try to avoid it. That God allowed you to be present as "an angel" was excellent... but I imagine presence is also good, even when it's dumb-struck. I'm not sure I'd be any different than the other men were... if I were present... and if I could avoid being present there's a better than average possibility that I might choose that. It seems from what you are saying, that sometimes presence doesn't count somehow or that it's no better than absence if it doesn't "do" the right things. If that's what you are saying, I don't think I agree with that. To define friendship as having one's needs met in a particular way somehow doesn't seem quite broad enough or deep enough or long enough to really satisfy me as being a complete enough story regarding the nature of friendship. As always, Rachel, your writing is splendid. Thanks so much for sharing these thoughts.
blessings,
gj