Bittersweet.....

Well this is odd. I am finally very close to getting what I've wanted since I moved here to Ontario.....home! While this is an awesome (not to mention daunting) thought for me, I find myself thinking of things that I'll miss. Who would ever have thought so?! Certainly not me. I don't mean people. That's always a given. People are always missed.While this province has certainly not yielded a plethora of friends for me, the ones I do have are awesome and I will miss them all terribly. No, this is...stuff. Things. Places even. I'm thinking about the fact that I'll never again live somewhere where my back yard is a park. We have parks a home. So what? Yet there it is. An odd but interesting and sobering thought. I will never again live 5 minutes from the mall. Or look out my window and see College Ave. SO WHAT? What's so special about College Ave.? There are plenty of busy streets at home that I will, in all likelihood traverse often. So why is College Ave. suddenly special? I guess simply because I'll never see it again. The area in which I live has been part of my life for 9 years now and the thought of leaving it, leaves me somewhat nostalgic and a little overwhelmed. But I've always hated it here. So why would I miss it? Change is a strange thing. Especially for me. I don't like it. I never have. It almost seems that in going home I should be righting a wrong that I made all those years ago. But somehow that's not totally the case. I'm going to miss not knowing that if I run into computer problems, my geek buddy and best friend is just a phone call away. Now that one actually makes sense, even to me. That has far more to do with the person than the place. So what is it about the place that suddenly I think I might miss? The lack of water? Um, no. The fast pace? No again. The rather dull autumn colours? Nope. We have much nicer autumns in Nova Scotia. So what is this new and truly weird feeling? I'm really not sure, but it's there just the same.

There are most definitely things that I know I'll miss for good reason. The weather. I love the weather here. Winters can be brutally cold but at least the sun shines! That's great! I love heat (a good thing on a day where it's 33 degrees) and I will miss the early summers. Other than the people, I think I've just run out of things that I can actually put my finger on and say "yes, I'll miss that". But still there remains a feeling of regret for this place that I am now leaving and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. I truly don't like it here. Really I don't. And I truly do miss home. Dreadfully. But knowing that I'm leaving has still left me feeling a little bereft.

So, for those of you who have been good friends, there you have it. I'm finally stumped! And admitting it even! It goes without saying that I will miss some of you so very much. I can't imagine not having you just a phone call away. But I will have others. People however, are irreplaceable and as a result, saying "good bye" to many of you will be incredibly difficult. I'm not looking forward to it at all. Not even a little.

This particular entry is neither well written nor well thought out for that matter. I simply decided to try to put into words at least a little of what I'm feeling right now. Possibly in the hopes that some of you reading this can clue me in? I don't know. But for weal or woe, I have decided to post this little ramble. Who knows, maybe I'll find the brain cells at some point to better express what it is I'm feeling. But before I can do that, I need to feel a little more "settled" in what I am or am not doing. Perhaps therein lies the crux of the problem. Nothing is quite settled yet. Who knows? But whatever this is, it is indeed strange for me. And not at all comfortable.

The thought of going home on the other hand? Well now there's a different story!

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