About Me

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Dartmouth, Nova Scotia, Canada

Thursday, December 17, 2015

My Two Katies

It's that time of the year again. Time for love, laughter, fun, and for some of us, introspection. This Christmas will not be an especially good one for me as I've been fighting the battle of depression all season. This is the first year in many that I will not have someone special in my life for the holidays and it's tough. However there is something that this Christmas has done for me. It has made me look at those I love who are truly enjoying the season and watch them. Truly watch them. Not, that I haven't been watching them for years anyhow...I have, but to watch them as they prepare for Christmas has been marvelous. I am, however, getting ahead of myself.

When I lived in Guelph (over 5 years ago) I had two stepsons. Those stepsons had wonderful girlfriends, both named Katie. THAT made things interesting so I decided to solve the problem of two Katies by calling one Kate and the other Katie. For the purposes of this little story, I'll do the same thing. The elder of the two girls is Kate. She was young, vibrant, effervescent and such fun to be around. When I was preparing for my wedding, she was there. All of my friends were either home in Nova Scotia or busy, but Kate was there for me. Fortunately for me, she also lived just 3 or 4 doors away. I did my own wedding invitations and she was my critic, my champion and even, my printer. I can't count the amount of times she ran back and forth between our two homes, printing off versions of the wedding invitation until it was just right. Always helpful, always cheerful, Kate was a bright spot in a world where I didn't want to be. It's no secret that I hated living in Guelph but she was one of the few people who made it bearable. This in itself is remarkable but what made it the most remarkable to me was the fact that she was a young girl. She was a teenager when we met but she was there for me like a daughter and a friend. She was amazing. Then she and my stepson moved to British Columbia. It was a very sad day for me. I hated to see both of them go but I wanted what was best for them, so I said my "good byes", held in my tears until after they had pulled out of the driveway, then cried for a very long time. That was the last time I was to see Kate. And the last time I was to hear from her in many years.

Then there's Katie. A different stepson, a different girlfriend, the same name. Perhaps here it might not be amiss to note that, when I was young and thinking of having children of my own, I had always thought that if I ever had a girl I would name her Kate or Katie. (true story!) One of the few true loves of my life. Katie. She was everything I could have asked for in a surrogate daughter. Bright, witty, understanding and a smile that could stop traffic. But Katie was so much more than that. I know that she had problems of her own, but in a way that was far wiser than her 16 years, she managed to put aside her problems and be there for me. This child/woman who was "my Katie" was a true treasure. Her compassion knew no bounds. She visited me when she knew I was down. She didn't quite understand what it was like for me to be away from home, but she empathized. Katie was an adult in ways that so many people I know today are not. She is wise beyond her years still and a young woman I will treasure always.

So here we are in 2015, looking hard at 2016. I have reconnected via email and other social media with both girls. I am fortunate enough to be able to watch, as my Katies, now all grown up for real, go about their lives. I am astonished and amazed. These are two of the most resilient, intelligent people I know. Sometimes I find it incredibly difficult to grasp just how far they've come. Neither one of the relationships with the Katies and my stepsons worked out, but that's for the best. Both girls are in such a different place in their lives and have moved on so gracefully that I am left in awe. These girls who I knew and loved when I was in Guelph, have become women. Not just women, incredible women! They have created world's for themselves that are wonderful and while no one and nothing is perfect, these two girls have become young women I am so proud to know. I am so blessed to have once been part of their lives and am still able to watch as they live out their own stories. As hard as it is for me to comprehend, these girls have become wives, mothers, and two of the bravest women I have ever known. Kate's husband is in the military. That's challenging enough but, she has managed to embrace that life and create a family and home for herself, her husband and her child. Katie's child was born with Pierre Robin Syndrome. Watching her deal with her child's health issues was both heartbreaking and inspirational. She dealt with it so (seemingly) effortlessly that I am still awed. Fortunately she had a supportive husband and family, and now the baby (who is no longer a baby) is fine.

This Christmas, watching my two Katies with their husbands and children (albeit from afar) I want to thank them for allowing me to continue to be part of their lives. I thank them for all they did for me when I lived in Guelph and I am humbled by all they continue to do to create happy, healthy lives for themselves.

Before finishing my little story, I have to take a moment to thank Chuck and Corey. These two men have made my two Katies lives even fuller and richer than I could have hoped. They have stood by their wives and been exemplary husbands. Guys, I owe you...big time!

I'm not entirely sure why I thought that it was so terribly important to write this except perhaps to let the world know that there are such people out there. In a world where families are failing and young people being so often troubled, I just wanted to tell the world that there are at least two young women who went above and beyond to make this life a better place for all those in it. These young women are an inspiration. They are smart. They are savvy. They are joyful as they plan their individual Christmases. They are loving. They are brave. They are...my Katie's.

When I grow up I want to be just like Katie. It doesn't matter which one.

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Monday, July 6, 2015

The Dilemma Of Being A Caregiver

It's been a long time since I'v written in this blog but I thought that maybe it was time to re visit it.

I recently found myself in the role of sole caregiver to someone who had a great need. Congestive heart failure is a scary and difficult thing to deal with, not only for the person who is ill but for the one who is caring for that person as well. This post is about caregivers and the lack of community help available to those people.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that there are many services available to sick and housebound people in need. Many not for profit organizations provide help for the housebound and ill but, no one seems to be there for the caregiver. Being the sole caregiver is tough. Really tough. Especially for those few of us who done't drive. And even more especially so, I discovered, in rural communities. There are programs for caregivers in the major cities here in Nova Scotia but if you're in a small town, as I was, there seems to be far less help. That's beyond unfortunate. Caregivers, and there are many everywhere, need to have an out. Someone, or some place they can go to unwind and relieve some of the stress. I really don't know what that would be for others but I know that for me, it would not have been all that difficult. Or is it? Is it too much trouble to drive me to a park for an hour, go back and sit with the person in need of attention then return to pick me up. Good mental health is a very important part of recovery for a patient in need of a caregiver. Good mental health is almost equally (if not equally) important to the caregiver. I know. I saw the result of my being indoors for almost a month straight, and the toll it took on both me and my patient. So much so that, one day, that stress became too much and I took it out on my patient. That's not good. That's not good at all.

In the city, there are avenues available (to those who have transportation) to support groups for just this sort of thing. The problem here is that even a support group can be difficult when you don't have transportation. Logically, I know that something as simple as going for a walk is beneficial to someone who can't get out otherwise. A support group is probably an even better idea. That being said, it's so much easier said than done. Being the sole caregiver is tiring, stressful work. Sleepless nights and long, stress filled days take their toll on both body and mind. One day in particular, I had a bad day. My patient said something that was unkind. Under normal circumstances, I would probably have been able to let it go. These were not normal circumstances. I blew up. Not my best moment, but there it is. Stress took over and I did something I shouldn't have done. I followed that with something worse. I was so angry that I stormed out of the house. I was smart enough to know that I needed to get out, but too stressed to be alone (apparently). I walked about 4 blocks before realizing where I was and that I had crossed three intersections to get here. I had no recollection of getting from point A to point B. That's just not good. It's most definitely not safe and I realize that I was very lucky to have gotten to where I was in one piece. That's what stress does. That's downright dangerous. It was this incident that made me really question the role of the community toward the caregiver. As I said, there were things available to my patient, (though I had to dig pretty hard to find them) but they were there. I finally decided that I needed to take better care of myself and set about trying to do so. It wasn't to be. At least not in the town of Truro. I discovered support groups in Dartmouth (approximately 100 kms. away) but even those would have required bus rides from where I live. It was terribly frustrating. I knew that even if I were in Dartmouth, I was simply too tired to get on a couple of buses to get myself to a support group. Is that really so hard to understand? I didn't think it should be, but I suppose I am biased.

So, what's the answer? Is there simply not enough money in the province to help caregivers? Why is there money for support in the city but not in rural areas? It's not as if Truro is a tiny, backwater hamlet that no one has ever heard of. It's a fairly large town that, if nothing else is something of a tourist attraction. People know it's there. Why the dearth of help for caregivers? I truly don't know the answer but I do know that the town of Truro could very well have had another causality on their hands had I been struck by a car while trying to de stress. Sometimes it totally defies logic.

I'm interested in comments and thoughts that others may have on this subject. I called just about everyone I could think of (believe me, that meant many phone calls) in an effort to get some help for myself. It doesn't exist. There is some support in the cities, but if you're unfortunate enough to be outside the city, you're on your own. That's not good news for caregivers or the people they are caring for. One full month of getting out once a week for groceries is simply not enough to balance care giving and good mental health. It also takes a toll on the person receiving the care. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been, no matter how hard I tried to hide it, to watch me every day become more and more stressed. That in itself would be stressful for a patient.

I have no answers. I've looked and looked hard, but there just doesn't seem to be anything available for caregivers. I see this as a danger. How many care givers have had breakdowns because they've had no stress relief? How many care givers simply give up and walk away, because there is no relief for them? These are honest questions. Questions to which there is probably no answer but valid questions just the same.

Watching someone you love fade daily is probably the worst thing any human being can go through. I know. I nursed my mother to her death when I was in my thirties. Now, as a much older person, I discovered that it is no easier. In fact, because of my age, I think I tire more easily and that adds stress.

In my oh so very humble opinion, providing care for caregivers is almost as essential as providing care for the person who is ill. After all, if the sole caregiver burns out, where does that leave the patient?

Thoughts to ponder.

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